Sometimes I Scare Myself

by Matt Block

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about

This was recorded using Audacity, a blue snowball microphone, a Fender Mustang I, and the drums were created in Garage Band.

credits

released July 8, 2017

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all rights reserved

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Matt Block Hampstead, Maryland

Hampstead, MD - Salisbury, MD

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Track Name: Dad's Best Friend
I think about how you’d be doing today
I miss you so much it drives me insane

I was too young to remember you well
But you gave my parents so many stories to tell

I think about you almost every day
I don’t want your memory to slip away

I wonder what would be in your birthday gifts
Or if you would teach me to drive stick shift

I wonder how my parents would change
If you hadn’t called them on that day

I wonder if you know you died in vein
Since you shot yourself my dad just hasn’t been the same
He’s afraid to make friends with new guys
And frankly Mike, so am I

I wonder how you would have gave me advice
When my best friend tried to end her life

I didn’t tell my parents because I was afraid
That they’d hurt just like when you went away

I hate seeing my parents cry
But at least now I understand why

I didn’t want them to have to remember again
So I decided to handle it on my own instead
I almost joined my dad in the end
Of having a dead best friend

I think about how you’d be doing today
I miss you so much it drives me insane
Track Name: Hindsight
Sometimes I think about the things I’ve done
And it brings a tear to my eye
But the things that hurt even more
Are the things that I never did or tried

One day I saw a kid from my high school
He was walking down the road with his sister
Nowhere to go, and her sad eyes looked heavy
I kept on driving like I had missed her

I watched people turn into bullies
They would target innocent people
I never stepped in to stop the abuse
So everyone thought I was just as evil

I never started any conversations with my cousin
Because he was deaf and I hadn’t learned how to sign
He was the kindest soul I had ever met in my life
But he died in his sleep at 25

And I can’t go back
All my empathy after the fact
Won’t save people from the things I’ve done
I hate what I’ve become

Because I can’t ask him if he needs help
I can’t stop her from cutting herself
I can’t bring my cousin back from his grave
I have to live with the choices I’ve made
Track Name: getting sad, drinking wine
Another night I'm staring at the wall
I'm not going anywhere soon
I doubt I'll leave my bed tonight
And I know I won't leave my room

I feel like I will never be the same
I'm broken in a way I wasn't before
I can't start a conversation with my own friends
I can’t approach people anymore

I'm all alone tonight
Drinking this boxed wine
I paid 13.99
To not feel like I'm gonna die

The more that things start to change
The more they seem to stay the same

The wine makes me feel better
And that makes me feel worse
I'm trying to live my life
But I feel like I'm cursed

I don't know if I'll never fall in love again
Or if I've been falling in love with everyone I meet
All I know is that I won't meet my future bride
At a frat party on south division street

And
I'm all alone tonight
Drinking this boxed wine
I paid 13.99
To not feel like I'm gonna die

I've got everyone I need
Until everybody leaves
Track Name: Clenched Teeth + Nausea
Your words are written across my face
People keep asking me if I am okay
And the part that scares me the most
Is that I’m not really sure to what to say

It hurts like something I’ve never felt before
Something dark and deep inside that’ll always be sore
And the part that scares me the most
Is that I don’t know if I can take much more

I wonder if I’m what you really need
But a life without you wouldn’t be a life to lead
And the part that scares me the most
Is that we’re both willing to bleed

I think that I could be enough for you
But you have to promise to let me try to
And the part that scares me the most
Is that we might be too far from our next breakthrough
Track Name: Captain Morgan Was My Wingman
I don't remember exactly what I said
Now I can't look you in the eyes again
But he was there for me, when I needed him

All and I guess it went well
In the moment I really couldn't tell
But he gave me the strength to push through hell

I know it was only a kiss in the dim light
I felt like I had finally done something right
But how do I tell people that Captain Morgan was my wingman last night

If I wasn’t seven shots in when you came through
I would have never been able to talk to you and your friends too
I would have been too scared to make eye contact with you

I'm not brave enough when I’m sober
I’m not smooth enough when I’m sober
I’m not nice enough when I’m sober
I’m not enough when I’m sober
Track Name: The End of the Beginning of the End
I’m sorry that I drank too much
Or that I didn’t drink enough
To say what I really feel

I’m sorry that I changed too much
Or that I didn’t change enough
To keep all your hopes and dreams real

I’m sorry that I cried too much
Or that I didn’t cry enough
To make you feel like I wanted to stay

I’m sorry that I cared too much
Or that I didn’t care enough
To leave you on this past Wednesday
Track Name: Rock Bottom (Waking Up)
I've lived more in the past three weeks
Than I've lived in the past three years
I've spent more hours living my life
Than letting you bury me in my fears

I breathe eat sleep and smile for one now
Before I was living for two
I'm sorry I waited till my backs against the wall
But I didn't know what else I should do

I've thought more in the past three weeks
Than I did in the past three years
You always made me feel how you wanted me to
You controlled my smiles and tears

I'm sorry that I left you in the spring time
But it wouldn't have been any better in fall
I promise you that I won't look back in anger
Because I promised me I wouldn't look back at all

You were my rock
And you were my rock bottom
Track Name: Ode to Not Knowing Who I Am Anymore
Who knew the guy who
smiles all the time
Would be the same guy who
Is trying not to cry

Who knew the guy who
Had the girl of his dreams
Would be the same guy whose
Life split at the seams

Don’t worry baby
I’ll make you hate me
I’ll keep feeding you the same lines
I’ll keep wasting your time

Who knew the guy who
Had all those friends
Would be the same guy
Waiting for his end

Who knew the who who
Drank all that gin
Would be the same guy fighting
His demons within

Don’t worry baby
I’ll make you hate me
I’ll keep feeding you the same lines
I’m a waste of your time
Track Name: Ode to Some Drugs I'll (Probably) Never Do
If I were addicted
I would finally have something consistent
I would have finally something persistent
For once

If I were addicted
I would have something beside me
I would have something to guide me
For once

If I were addicted
I would cope with my grief
I would finally feel relief
For once

I don’t deserve to be sober
I don’t deserve to be free
I deserve something stronger
Keeping its hold on me

If I were addicted
I would finally have an easy way out
I would have something more than my own self-doubt
For once
Track Name: The Wrong Side of the Bed
I'm not the same person
I don't talk the same way
I don't think the same way
What more can I say?

I'm not the same person
I don't treat people the same way
I don't live the same way
And that's probably okay

I'm not the same person
I don’t hate the same way
I don't drink the same way
I change more every day

I know I have changed
I don't feel the same
Sometimes I don't feel at all
And maybe that's not okay

I know I'm not the same person
I know I'm not the same person
I know I'm not the same person you fell in love with

I know I'm not the same person
I know I'm not the same person
I know I'm not the same person you fell in love with
And I’m sorry
Track Name: Mirrors
When I grow up I'll live in a house with no mirrors
So I can’t see what I’ve done
So I can’t see what I’ve become

I could live for once if I could only smash all the mirrors
So I can escape
From this terrible place

And I won’t think about why I can’t stand looking in mirrors
My decaying sense of self
As affecting my own health

And you can’t see your downward spiral id you don’t look in any mirrors
You can keep on living blind
Telling yourself that your fine

Then you can waste away while you are staring in mirrors
You’ll have run out of time
Feeling like you wasted your prime